Naturally it acts as a mirror, and I wonder how I am doing with my vows right now. It has been a rich week in many ways. I noticed that I did almost the full selection of zendo jobs in afternoon zazen this week: kokyo, fukudo, doan and doshi, and it was only in the last that I felt dissatisfied - my chanting and energy didn't flow in the way I usually expect them to. I have been watching the unfolding of the tensions in my mind between worldly desires and monastic desires, the personal and the beyond-personal, and feeling how that also plays out in my body. I have been trying to settle more firmly on my cushion to deal with the physical imbalances that have been troubling me these last few weeks. I have caught up with long-procrastinated tasks - going to sewing class on Thursday night to make repairs to my okesa that I have been needing to do for months, and putting my oryoki set back together after a few weeks of gathering dust, which felt good. I have taken care of most of the things that needed taking care of. I also have been out several times for ice cream and coffee with friends, not to mention the ball-game, and enjoyed the sociability. There is more to come this weekend with the residents' retreat, though I will book-end this with hours on the bike alone with my thoughts riding to and from Point Reyes.
On balance, it feels like I am holding back more than I am giving, and in that is the rub of unease that we call dukkha.
|The moon rising over the city last night|